The Beauty Salon of Doom
by Natalie Potter731
Summary: Will Ron and Hermoine EVER get together? Will Voldemort defeat Harry... or not? Will Draco ever be sane again? This completely random fic is a humorous way to ponder these questions... even if its unrealistic! R/R please!
1. Draco Gone Pyscho

Disclaimer: If I were JK Rowling, I wouldn't have to write this fic, I could hire someone to do it for me... but if I were JK Rowling... I wouldn't have to write this fic because I could write Harry Potter... the real thing... so I guess I'm not JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
Author's Notes: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! This is such a completely random fic, its not even funny (okay maybe it is), if you depise fics that are completely and TOTALLY unrealistic you will ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS FIC! Otherwise, you will love it. I normally don't write fics like this, so don't be disappointed, I'll be back later... I am a very random person. I love cucumbers. And NASA. And Phred, the pickle guy... Okay THANK YOU Mione Weasley soo much... you have no idea how much you inspired me to write this stupid fis, thank you Cheese Diva, Hippi, Popcorn girl (for being EXTRA random) and Leya Ris (sorry I just had to thank my random sister too). Let the fic begin!  
  
It was midnight, and Draco Malfoy had just broken into a Beaty Salon.  
  
"It's all mine, my precious..." Draco whisperd as he stole hair spray, a hair drier, and many other items from the beauty shop. Then all of a sudden he vanished before the muggle police could find him.  
  
***  
  
"Harry," whispered Ron in Harry's ear," tell Hermione that you might know someone who might think that he might kind of sort of like someone whose really smart and has brown hair"  
  
"Hermione I might know someone who might think that they might kind of sort of like someone whose really smart and has brown hair," Harry whispered to Hermione as he walked between the two around the lake. Harry was getting quite tired of their behavior.  
  
"Well, tell Ron, that I think that I know someone who most likely likes this red-headed guys, just a little but." Herione whispered back to Harry.  
  
  
  
Harry had given up on trying to get them to confess their love for eachother, after purposely trying to drown Hermione, before realizing Ron didn't know mouth-to-mouth, after staging loud conversations, and locking them in various classrooms, Harry had just decided to go along with everything. All of a sudden Draco Malfoy jumped out from behind a bush.  
  
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU!" Draco shouted as he pointed his wand at Hermione. I was quite sad actually, after a tragic accident at a field trip. Hagrid had taken their class to Antartica to study some "Harmless Creature" that lived on ice burgs. The next thing you know he "accidently" fell of the iceburg. It had taken to his head and now he was completely crazy. Draco had resorted to trying to kill anyone who was not a pureblood. Which meant his first two targets were Harry and Hermione. He didn't want to kill Harry, no, Voldemoert would get Harry... but Hermione...  
  
"Hemione! You'd better stop right now and surrendor, or I'll kill you!" Draco said loudly, trying to sound smart, "I've been stashing up on my muggle equipment!"  
  
"And what are you going to do Draco, kill me with a stapler?" Hermione said, she had stopped taking him seriously after he had attempted murder seven times.  
  
"No! Something much better than a stapler and a pencil sharpener combined!"Draco replied with happiness in his voice," Put your hands in the air and don't move! Don't make me shoot you!"Draco pulled out a hair drier.  
  
Hermione tried to hold back laughter, she noticed that Harry was too... but Ron on the other hand...  
  
"Hemione! Harry! On the ground! I've seen those before! There... called...gums.. I think! Dad's showed me pictures of those before! He says muggles kill eachother with them!" Ron siad this as he dove to the ground, Hermione and Harry followed. Harry was about to tell Ron what it really was but Ron interupted him," Hermione, I-- you've always been special to me..." Ron said, but became embarressed," I mean... like a friends... you know just a friend..."  
  
"Yeah, me too Ron..." Hermione begane as she turned a bright shade of red, she seamed to have forgotten that they were in no damger whatsoever, but Harry had conviently forgotten to remind her," Ron I... I..."  
  
"Hermione... I.... I..." Ron was cut off by Draco.  
  
"I'm going to shoot this posin into your eyes first, the more painful the better," Draco put down the hair drier and picked up a bottlw of hair spray," Three... two... one.. AHHH! MY EYES!" Draco had aciiently sprayed hair spray in his eyes.  
  
"Ron... I...... I've always had this thing about you..." Hermione started.  
  
"AHHH! MY EYES!"Draco screamed as he ran around aimlessly, and blind.  
  
"Me to 'Mione! You know... friendship like..." Ron began.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" Draco screamed as he ran into a tree.  
  
"You know... what I mean right...?" Hermione asked Ron.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Draco bellowed right before he ran into the lake.  
  
"I dunno... are you thinking.... like what I'm thiniing?" Ron asked Hemione as Draco wailed in the backround. All throughout this Harry was sitting there mumbling to himself.  
  
"I think you are thinking what I'm thinking," Hermione said embarressed," You know about me, and you..."  
  
"COLD! COLD! COLD!" Draco shivered in the distance.  
  
"Yeah, that we should be finishing our homework," Ron said.  
  
"YOU IDIOT!" yelled a voice from behind them, it was Voldemort, himself.  
  
"What?" Harry asked him,"Are you talking about him?" Harry asked pointing to Draco who was now jumping on one foot because he had kicked a rock and hurt his foot.  
  
"Well, he's an idiot too," Voldemort began," But that's besides the point."  
  
Author's Notes: Yeah, doesn't everyone just HATE clif hangers? Don't worry I WILL post the next and final chapter soon, and for those who like random fics I'm thinking of writing another one tell me what you think! Read and Reveiw please! 


	2. Ron and Hermione We Knew that they were ...

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else I use in this fic. Blah blah blah need I say more.  
  
A/N: Assuming you liked the first chapter this chapter should be extra random! And um actually I don't know if its the last I kind of just write what I feel like... hm... maybe chapter three would be cool... I don't know. Let's see how this goes.  
  
"The point is..." Voldemort began but was cut off.  
  
"That you are an evil mass murderer out to kill me in hopes of ruling the world and purifying the wizarding race who has absolutely know sympathy for even his own followers and is the last remaining heir of Salazar Slytherin, and a parsel tongue, and you've killed countless people and you don't understand what love is at all and even though you don't want to admit it the only wizard you have ever feared is Dumbledore..." Harry stopped for a breathe, actually he was mad at everyone right now so he didn't care really about anything he said, even to Voldemort," And..."  
  
"Well, I also fear sponges that live in pineapples under the sea...But that too is beside the point. Will you shut up no wonder I want to kill you!" Voldemort yelled at Harry. Draco came running over to Voldemort and Harry.  
  
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Mr. Dark Lord Sir! I'll kill Harry for you I have some finger nail polish!" Draco said to Voldemort hopefully.  
  
"You school is full of a bunch of idiots! You've got Mr. and Mrs. We're obviously in love with each other but Won't Admit It over there, and Mr. Hi I'm an idiot right in front of me," Voldemort said to Harry.  
  
"And what am I?" Harry said to Voldemort," Mr. I Can't Help But Save the World?"  
  
"No no no...you're more of a Mr. Everyone Tries to Kill Me But For Some Reason They Can't kind of a person," Voldemort said casually.  
  
"And lettme guess your a Mr. I Want to Take Over the World But Its not working kind of guy, right?" Harry asked his evil arch enemy.  
  
"It's not working YET! But it soon will..." Voldemort trailed off.  
  
"Sorry, I may regret bringing this up, but why aren't you trying to kill me...like you normally are?" Harry asked cautiously.  
  
"Oh yes, well I have decided that if I have any chance at all of killing you, which I don't because 'good always prevails over evil' it would be at the very end of your seventh year. So in the mean time I have decided to take on the art of smoothy making and destroy all pineapples! that way there will be no sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea...and I can finally move on in my life!" Voldemort yelled in triumph.  
  
"No! No! No! Anything! Anything but Spongebob!" Draco sobbed.  
  
"Um... Ron... Hermione? What are you guys doing?" Harry asked, it was getting dark and it was hard to see outside.  
  
"I was right! Aren't I always!" Voldemort yelled.  
  
"Like OH MY GOSH! Look at Ron and Hermione! They're snogging... Ewww... that's gross..." Draco said as he was jumping up and down.  
  
"Draco!" Voldemort began," I am..." Draco cut him off.  
  
"My mom's dad's sister's cousin's uncles' aunt's friend's teacher's government official's taxcollecter's house cleaner's brother's daughter's foreign room mate?" Draco said really fast.  
  
"No! And you wonder why I haven't helped your stupid father get out of Azkaban yet?" Voldemort shouted in rage," I was going to say..."  
  
"That he said that she said that I said that I was like no way?!" Draco asked again, really fast.  
  
"Ahh! You...you...you..." Voldemort stuttered.  
  
"Use your words Voldemort," Hermione said, she and Ron had finally stopped snogging.  
  
"Ten--nine--eight-- seven-- six-- five-- four-- three--two--" Voldemort said slowly trying to retain his anger.  
  
"Blast off!" Draco screamed and ran around as if he had a jet pack on his back.  
  
"Two and a half--"Voldemort countiued,"One-- Draco, you are the biggest idiot I have ever met."  
  
Draco stopped pretending to fly and looked at Voldemort sadly." Do you really think so?"  
  
"Yes, I know so," Voldemort said trying not to explode.  
  
"Oh," Draco started," Well, thank you, thank you very much." And he continued to pretend to fly around.  
  
"Erm... well Voldemort ... is there anything else?" Ron asked bravely.  
  
"I have decided to abandon the smoothy idea, to risky...that Spongebob... therefore I will go back to killing people," Voldemort said.  
  
"What?!" Ron said in shock.  
  
"No no no maybe not killing, but I told you I don't want to kill Harry yet, it'd disappoint too many people. I'm just going to start a national campaign to convert all Harry/Hermione shippers sense I was obviously right." Voldemort said.  
  
"So Voldemort is there a specific date I should be expecting you?" Harry asked carefully.  
  
"Sometime in June, man I feel sorry for you guys," Voldemort said sounding out of breath.  
  
"Yeah, life's tough," Harry said.  
  
"No, that not what I meant Malfoy is driving me crazy," Voldemort said flatly.  
  
At that moment Draco ran over and poured shampoo all over Voldemort head's.  
  
"That's it I'm out of here!" Voldemort screamed and ran off the grounds waving his arms.  
  
"Thanks a lot Draco, I owe you one," Harry said as he watched Voldemort.  
  
"Naw... Voldemort owes me... I washed his hair and I didn't even get a tip.  
  
A/N: And that's it for now! I might write a sequel! Or another chapter, or another version of chapter two! Like instead of Voldemort being all... weird... I could make him evil! And that could be chapter three... whatever you want just let me me know in your review.   
  
I've got to thank Stephen and Chris and Andrew and I think that's it for inspiring some of Draco's lines. So please review it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to know that people love me! Okay...maybe not...but still! 


	3. Chapter Two Again, Voldemort would you l...

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: This is another version of chapter two, if Voldemort was evil!  
  
Chapter Three: Chapter Two, Voldemort is Evil!  
  
"The point is, is that those two over there obviously love each other, and its been driving me insane," Voldemort began, "I have been hiding behind a bush for the past two hours trying to kill Harry, and...people, people.  
  
"Mr. Dark Lord, sir! Can I help kill Harry Potter? My father would be so proud!" Draco said excitedly.  
  
"No," Voldemort said shortly.  
  
  
  
"But..." Draco began.  
  
"No,"   
  
  
  
"But..."  
  
"No,"  
  
"But..."  
  
"No,"  
  
  
  
"But..."  
  
"No,"  
  
"But..."  
  
"No,"  
  
"But..."  
  
"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Voldemort yelled frustratingly.  
  
"YOU!" Draco spat back at him.  
  
"But..." Voldemort began.  
  
"Butterfly in the sky, I can fly twice as high..." Draco started singing.  
  
"Anyway, Harry, I have come to kill you, you must die," Voldemort told Harry.  
  
  
  
"Mr. Dark Lord, sir! Can I help kill Harry Potter? My father would be so proud!" Draco said excitedly.  
  
"No! Didn't we already go through this?" Voldemort asked.  
  
"No," Draco said shortly.  
  
"But..." Voldemort began.  
  
"No," Draco said.  
  
"ENOUGH! I am here to kill Harry and nothing else! And NO Malfoy you may not help," Voldemort said enthusiastically.  
  
"Tardier monkeys," Draco muttered under his breathe.  
  
"Now Harry, prepare to die!" Voldemort roared, and then started laughing.  
  
"Sure," Harry said, he was sick of Ron and Hermione acting so stupid, "Maybe Ron and Hermione will finally confess their love for each other."  
  
"HARRY!" Hermione shrieked, "You PROMISED you wouldn't tell anyone!"  
  
Voldemort slapped his forehead.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
Draco ran around singing, "Ron and Hermione sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, First comes love..."  
  
"Wow Hermione! You like me? Well, I guess I kind of like you too!" Ron said happily.  
  
Ron and Hermione began to talk excitedly.  
  
"ANYWAY, Harry, I don't know how you got away before, but you won't this time," Voldemort said anxiously.  
  
"It was love Voldemort, my mother loved me, that was how I survived. I should be asking you how YOU survived without it," Harry shot at Voldemort.  
  
"Love?" Draco asked, "Hm... Voldemort would you like a muffin?"  
  
"Do you have blueberry? WAIT! What am I saying? I am here to kill Harry and nothing else," Voldemort finished fast.  
  
"I LOVE muffins Draco!" Harry said.  
  
"Good-bye Harry Potter, Voldemort said he sent the killing curse in Harry's way.  
  
Draco threw a muffin to Harry. The muffin got the full force of the curse and exploded.  
  
"My muffin," Harry sobbed.  
  
"Don't worry Harry, here's another one," Draco threw it to Harry just as Voldemort tried to kill Harry again.  
  
This happened several times.  
  
"I give up, Voldemort yelled.  
  
"Somebody forgot to take their nap today," Draco said as he shook his finger at Voldemort.  
  
"Later!" Voldemort said as he ran of the grounds.  
  
"And my my my look what we have here, Ron, Hermione, no snogging after 6:00 PM, you know the rules," Draco scolded.  
  
On their way back to the castle Ron and Hermione couldn't keep their eyes off each other. And Draco, as usual, couldn't keep his mouth shut. As for Harry, he got his muffin in the end.  
  
A/N: I have to thank Popcorn Girl for the whole muffin idea, it was her idea in the first place! Please review and I'll give you a cyber-muffin! And I might do another chapter... 


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